I Gave Up

Wow, do you feel like I fell off the face of the earth? I always mention how terrible of a blogger I am right? No but seriously, what looks like from the outside being quiet and slow,on the contrary has been a whirlwind of work. Since my last blog post I have photographed 31 babies, 5-3month olds, 3-6month olds, 2-9month olds, 6 cakesmashes, 5 maternities, 12 families, 3 engagement sessions, 2 bridals, 1 wedding and 1 headshot. So business is doing good and for that I am completely grateful and I love it! I love being a photographer. So it may shock you when I say this but…..

 

 

First let me explain something I did not want to quit. I feel like I’m living a dream I’ve imagined for years, but with photography comes tons of things that aren’t so fun. Like being your own accountant, paying taxes, marketer, finding a reliable babysitter you trust (for you boss moms out there), but the thing that was my breaking point, the thing that was going to send everything crashing down was my house. I know that’s confusing. What does my house have to do with everything? Well I’ve been working out of it and when you have a photography business that demands your creative ability and SPACE. You end up moving your kitchen table in the living room, your kitchen island into the stove (pretty much), along with 6 chairs in whatever crevice you can find so people won’t trip when they come in all while trying not to trip over your 2 year old because your husband is still at work and can’t help. Then setting up a light and background. Not to mention the embarrassment of shooting a client next to where you just had your bacon and eggs, oh and did I mention I had to stand on top of my island to get far enough back still. I mean don’t judge, we all have to do what we want to do and work out of where we can but it was getting to me. And my husband didn’t love leaving the house while I did all this, I mean after a hard days work you would love to sit in your recliner and drink a coke right. NOPE! He had to go find something to do with a 2 year old little girl in tow. I finally had, had enough and made my goal for 2016 to find a suitable shooting area to work out of. So I prayed. And I came across a few good places, but none seemed to fit, the rent was just too much or the space was too tight, nothing felt right. Finally I came across this place that was great! Just a few things that weren’t ideal. The day I called to inquire about it, I saw someone moving into it. It was almost comical seeing as not a soul inhabited it for years. I kept hitting dead ends. I was frustrated. I was tired. I felt like I was swimming against the current.

 

 

I realized I made this my life, and rightfully so. I mean a business is a baby, it requires constant attention, but also I made it an idol. I lived and breathed it. Constantly wanting to make it better. Thinking about it all the time to the point of feeling like my worth compared to my “art”. It became a burden to work out of my house, I couldn’t ever separate work and home and that in and of itself was a huge burden. I mean I worked till 1 every morning just to get photos edited in good time. One night, I was sitting in my recliner working, crying and I just started praying.

You know when you give God control you pray “God I want this but whatever you want is best” and you pray it but you’re really praying to get brownie points with God. Like “Hey God look at me I’m giving you control, but I’m just saying that so hopefully my ‘good heart’ will grant my wish”. Yeah I did that before. I knew God needed to be the head but I continually just took it over myself.

 This time was not like that. I sincerely didn’t
want to be in control anymore.

I told God if he wasn’t going to be in on this, then I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was tired of fighting a losing battle. And if he didn’t want me to do it, then to give me peace about it. That night I slept so good. I really thought I would be devastated but in a strange way I felt relieved. Of course I would have to finish out all my appointment packages but that was it. No more commitments. No more shooting in my house.

The next day I told my husband about the prayer and my thoughts and he felt for me. He knows how much I love to be a photographer, and no matter how much I said “it’s ok, I’m fine” he continued to try to fix it. He definitely is a fixer, bless his heart he seriously is my match. So he says “Why Ruston, why not look for something to rent here? The rent will be more affordable and it’s only 30 minutes from Ruston”. So I agreed, I mean I gave it up, I would entertain his thought. 80% of my clients are from Ruston so I had really only looked there, but why not. We drove around and while there were so many empty buildings, there were no phone numbers to contact about rent. We’re about done when I see a local photographer’s studio that I know. My thinking, she rents here so she should know who to contact about these places. So I message her. She informs me who owns everything, but then says “But my lease is up and I’m moving out of my place next week, if you want to come see it”. My heart skipped a little, I gotta confess, but like a kid waiting to see if they won nationals at a sporting event I really tried to keep my excitement in. I mean God may still not want me to do this at all. And I had no idea if it would be big enough, it looked small from the outside.

I remember picking Reagan up from school and driving back to Jonesboro to see this place, praying for God to clearly give me sign, I should say a couple signs. I’m quite slow if I have to admit, I need clear direction. On the drive I remembered this song I heard. I had liked the melody so I downloaded it. God really speaks to me through music and he knows exactly the song I need in certain times…It was “Life my life up” by Unspoken

I didn’t know what the outcome of all this was going to be, but the song was just confirmation that whatever God decided, was good. His plans are always good.

I really can’t explain the emotions when I walked through that door. I mean it was good, but it was more then that it was perfect and when I say that I don’t mean it was a perfect building. I mean it was everything I had prayed for. There was a room I could shoot portraits in and a separate room I could close off to shoot newborns, down to a place to put all my newborn blankets in (which could cost up to $1000). I mean it was like seeing the hand of God in action. It had other rooms too like an office to work and a playroom for all my little clients, but especially for my little girl so she could come with me if I needed to work and edit, I mean I couldn’t have dreamed up a better place to work. I wanted to just fall on my knees because I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t put God in control all this time. But in God’s mercy and love he provided something that was undeserved. So March of this year I moved into my first ever studio, outside of my home. When I started moving things in I just starting praising God and praying over this place and I couldn’t help but cry. I was overwhelmed by his presence there with me.

I can’t express how amazing it is to not be in control. I was thinking this whole time that God wasn’t in it. And in a way he wasn’t…God doesn’t force himself on us, he stands at the door and knocks and while he is Lord of my heart, I wasn’t letting him be Lord over my business. I know you may think that is crazy, to put Him in control of something so selfish, your self worth, what you work for. But let’s face it, working is a big part of our lives and God needs to be in every crevice of your life.

 

Now I’m telling you this story to give glory to God not to brag, cause you can bet this was not me. I wasn’t looking in Jonesboro for a place. If God hadn’t have closed all those other doors I wouldn’t have found this place. When I prayed that night, I was fully prepared to have a destash sale of all my stuff and just photograph for fun. And I was ok with that because I finally realized that God knew my heart better…and that’s definitely how God is. He knows us better then anyone, even ourselves. So if there’s something you’re struggling with to give up, then genuinely give it to God. Ask for God’s help to release it, it’s harder then it looks. And be fully prepared to let go for good.

Maybe you struggle with other things. Your finances. Your worry. Your confidence. Whatever the problem may be, give God control. But the first step, if you’ve never made it is give your heart to God. Don’t ask him to be Lord of a thing, ask him to be Lord over your life. You can’t fully let God until you give him your life. That means asking Jesus into your heart and coming to realize he’s God over everything. That he died for all sin in the world so we might have life after this and that this life we currently live is abundant. To try your best to live a life for the good instead of sinful things, to live a holy life. I did it 15 years ago and I’ll never look back. My life has completely changed since and nothing can be more fulfilling then living for Him and His purpose. I live for a greater purpose then photographs.

I’d like to leave you with now with 2 things. 1) some lyrics below that I heard while going through the pain of feeling like I was giving up a dream, when I thought all was done. I heard these and realized I was being molded into something greater. 2) I’d like to leave you with this youtube video of a testimony I heard recently. I still struggle with worry in this business *shocker*. I am seriously far from perfect and I have to constantly pray for God to take that worry as well. When talking with my mom about my worry she directed me to this testimony and it was an amazing blessing to me. It’s lengthy, but if you have time please take a moment to listen to it. It’s just crazy how God worked through this story and many people came to Christ through pineapples…LOL I said that right 😉 you’ll just have to watch it to understand. You can find that here.